my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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