Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
