so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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