He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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