Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
