My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
