So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
