someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
