420 ftw
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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