Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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