i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
