I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
