I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Randomize
