Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
