im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
40s are totally the cure
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
