Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
