I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
