Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Randomize
