Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
time to smoke my breakfast
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
