I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
