Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
