I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
