Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
