I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
