he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
