I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
then he tried to convert me to islam
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
