Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
