Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
