If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
