she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
