:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
