My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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