I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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