cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
