I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
