i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
