I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
PANTIES FOUND
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
