"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
