Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
4 words: hood of his car
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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