my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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