im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
me + whiskey = a bad person
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
