I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
