I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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