I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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