Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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