I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
