K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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