2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
