I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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