she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
