Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
