I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
